Hi once again. I apologise for not updating my blog for so long. I have been really really busy with my work. Ahhh who am I kidding? I was just really lazy. In fact I dont feel like blogging right now. Primarily because I'm indulging in buttered corn. My mum made em. Well you see I'm a disgusting and revolting eater. When I was younger, my grandmother used to say I only used to eat half of what was on my plate and dribbled the rest down all over myself. My sisters used to say I had a hole in my mouth.Naturally I wanted all these unwanted "comments" to stop. So I developed finer eating habits(only used in the company of others) and since Im alone now, Im eating like an animal... gnawing on the corn and shaking my head vigorously to tear apart the corn kernels. So its all kinda messy and that is why I dont feel like blogging. However, you already probably guessed that I will continue blogging since I already started and since you would be able to see that this post doesnt end here... although of course it could actually end here and whatever I am about to type henceforth could just be rubbish.
Today went quite well. Other than the fact that I walked around in circles in Ang Mo Kio in the rain and couldnt get what I wanted and then went to my friends house and could not resolve his PC problem. OH! and not forgetting the cat that shat on us. I'll come to that later.
After repairing(or attempting to at least) my friends computer, I met Edmund Verghese a.k.a Vergoose a.k.a Voghill a.k.a Ninja for dinner. I had two plain and one cheese prata and he had two plains... since he already had dinner but was just greedy. The prata man was very crooked. He tried cheating poor Edmund twice. First when he kept Edmunds $0.80 change and a second time by trying to cheat him twenty cents extra for a drink. Poor guy. We supposed that he cheated unsuspecting customers and put that money into his Yun Nam Fund. Yeap you guessed right. He is BALD. Probably saving for acupuncture or smthin. Gosh... now i feel bad for being mean to him. Well, as a consolation, baldness results from excessive testosterones... so he should be proud how much of a man he is.
After prata, we walked around and met a cat. He was really cute and "clean". His fur looked like it had just been shampooed or smthin. Probably a recently abandoned cat. It was like really friendly and stuff, brushing against our legs and it followed us to a bench. Edmund sat down and carried the cat up and played with it. I just sat down beside him and stared at them. The cat rested its paw and its head on its chest and closed its eyes as Edmund tickled it. Heres the dialogue of what was said.
Edmund: Awww look at it... Its so cute isnt it???
Me: It smells of shit dude.
Edmund: Ill call it FeiMao (or so I recall)
Me: No lets call it Dawg. It would be cool to say to it "Waddup Dawg"
Edmund: No Im calling it FeiMao.
Me: U sick twisted B%^^$&^
Edmund: Damn its claws are poking my nipples.
Me: Hahahahahahaha. Ha......... Ha.
Edmund: EH yah! it smells of shit.
Me: I still think Dawg sounds better...
*The cat is rubbing itself all over Edmund oh and btw it stepped on me a little before.
*I notice a little clump on its tail so I look closer... still trying to figure out if its dust or shit. THEN! I get a good view of whats under its tail... he probably had diarrhea and his butt was FAAARRR FAAR away from clean. It was like a blueberry waffle. the waffle was its butt and the the shit, represented by the blueberry was smeared all over it.
Me: DUDE!!!!!! YOU KNOW WHY IT SMELLS OF SHIT???!!!!!!!
*Edmund tried pushing her off.
Me: Lift up its tail man... and you'll find out.
At this point, normal people would either just throw the cat on the floor and run far away or push the cat aside and carefully look at its ass to assess the 'damage'. However, Edmund carefully pushes the cat aside the the other side and grabs its tail and lifts it tail up. Oh and he grabbed the top part of the tail... very near its ass(the disaster area). There you have it.... his hand became a blueberry waffle. A duplicated blueberry waffle... like those cheap ones where they just spread the blueberry on one waffle then sandwich it with another for a while so that the other gets a bit of blueberry as well. Thats all I have to say for today... really tired. Goodnight.
PS: If the cat who shat itself is reading this... GO GET A PIECE OF SANDPAPER AND WORK ON THAT ASS OF URES! jeez...
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
The Wolf who cried Boy.
Hey there, once again. I have so much to write but so little time. I guess I'll just write.
I was in the MRT on my way to Orchard a few days back, feeling a little sleepy. Actually a little is an understatement. I was literally dozing off whilst standing up. A really dangerous stunt so dont try it at home kids. Well actually go ahead and try it at home, but not when ure in the train. Anyway, I passed by Newton and my sleepy brain actually began thinking. Its amazing isnt it? My brain actually works! I began questioning the name Newton. I came to a conclusion that its a really weird name to name a place in Singapore. I mean NEWTON! I kept pondering over it for the next few minutes, and then I heard the sexy voice of the MRT lady say "Orchard". Then it all made sense. Heres my theory. Its a SCAM! A joint scam by the Singapore Tourism Board and the government. It all makes sense. The government strategically named these two places such since they are so close each other. They masterminded the whole scam and left it to tour agencies to finish the job. However their plan backfired because people are stupid.If everything had gone as planned, Tours around these areas would sound something like this.
Tour guide: We are now at Newton, the birthplace of the famous Sir Isaac Newton. It is here, where he grew up and occasionally got whacked up by the other kids for being such a nerd.
*Gasps from tourists*
Tour guide: Next stop, Orchard. The place he was when an apple fell and hit him on his head.
Does it make sense now? Im starting my tour agency tomorrow. I'll rent bikes to tourists and make them cycle with me around Singapore. Anyway, heres a story I thought about at work yesterday.
The Wolf Who Cried Boy
Far, far away, in the land of Haivenmaven there lived a whole tribe of wolves. They were all mean wolves who ate people for breakfast,lunch and dinner. They just had tea and biscuits for supper. Anyway, these wolves lived in caves in the mountains. Now my story revolves around this particular family of wolves. They consisted of Mother Wolf, Father Wolf, Mistress Wolf, Wolf Junior, Wolf Junior(II) and Accidental Wolf Junior. They were really a psychotic family. For instance, they were the only crazy wolves who had a Hi-Fi system in their cave. Which was totally a waste since they only ever played one song, which went "I'LL EAT YOU ALIVE! I'LL EAT YOU AAAALLLLIIIIIVVVEEEEEEE!". These crazy wolves used to blast this song while dancing around the helpless human being who was about to get eaten.
These wolves were really chomping down on humans. The human population around that area was rapidly decreasing. One day, news reached the wolves in mountains that a hunter was out looking for them. All the sensible wolves stayed inside their caves, and locked their imaginary doors. So that leaves us with the psychotic wolf family. They decided to eat out that night, and felt like hunter meat. So they all trotted along on their prowl for the hunter. After a few hours, they spotted him treading ever so cautiously on the broken twigs and dead leaves on the forest floor. Father wolf sprang up and howled. With a swift turn, the hunter aimed, shot and killed Father wolf in mid-air. Then mother and mistress wolf sprang up in unison, and collided in mid-air. They felt the ground for the last time, before the hunter fired two shots each at them. The kids were terrified. So they followed the breadcrumb tracks they made, back to their cave.
Life was tough for the little wolves as orphans. They were unable to get enough food since they were inexperienced in hunting. The severe lack of food caused Accidental Wolf Junior to go slightly beserk. He decided to play a prank on all the other wolves.
One fine Saturday morning, he went right across towards the boundaries of the forest and started howling "Wake up fellow Wolfeses. Theres a delicious boy behind those trees. First come first served!". The other wolves woke up and since they were still very groggy, they did not question his credibility. On thinking of the prospect of having scrambled boy for breakfast, they ran down to the base of the mountain and ran into the woods and searched for an hour for the boy while Accidental Wolf Junior went up to their houses and helped himself to their spare food and brought home supplies. The wolves were very angry when they found out he lied but took pity on him since he was retarded.
He made this a habbit. He would often go to various locations and "cry boy". Fewer and fewer wolves responded to his cries untill one day, he was left standing there yelling to himself alone. Now he couldnt go up and steal supplies anymore since the other wolves were immune to his cries.
Two days later, he was walking along the outskirts of the forest again, when he heard voices. He poked his snout through the bramble bush and sniffed. His keen nose detected dried perspiration on sweet skin, and someone's fart. He pushed his furry face through and saw a bunch of scouts picnicking in the woods. He ran off to the other side of the mountains and howled so that only the wolves could hear him. "Boys! Boys! Many boys! In the forest! Wake up and come down!". A few wolves came out and yelled and cursed at him. He decided that it just meant a lot more for him and his brothers. He crept sneakily into the forest, positioned himself and ponced high up and landed on a fat eight-year-old. He told him to go and sit in the corner and wait for him. Which is what the fat boy did. One by one he pounced on all of them and then led them back up to his cave whilst all the other wolves watched on. He killed all of those scouts, with the help of his brothers and they had a mighty fine dinner that evening. The best part is, after that day, all the other wolves always responded to his "boy cries" and ran down to where he said they were. Accidental Wolf Junior would then go up and help himself to their food. This went on for many years, since wolves are really stupid, and Accidental Wolf Junior, and his brothers lived happily ever after, growing fat on all the stolen food.
The moral of the story is, If you cant get what you want on your own merit, then cheating is a superb alternative. Cheating is a profession practiced by many but mastered by few. If you can master the art of cheating, you will never grow hungry.
I was in the MRT on my way to Orchard a few days back, feeling a little sleepy. Actually a little is an understatement. I was literally dozing off whilst standing up. A really dangerous stunt so dont try it at home kids. Well actually go ahead and try it at home, but not when ure in the train. Anyway, I passed by Newton and my sleepy brain actually began thinking. Its amazing isnt it? My brain actually works! I began questioning the name Newton. I came to a conclusion that its a really weird name to name a place in Singapore. I mean NEWTON! I kept pondering over it for the next few minutes, and then I heard the sexy voice of the MRT lady say "Orchard". Then it all made sense. Heres my theory. Its a SCAM! A joint scam by the Singapore Tourism Board and the government. It all makes sense. The government strategically named these two places such since they are so close each other. They masterminded the whole scam and left it to tour agencies to finish the job. However their plan backfired because people are stupid.If everything had gone as planned, Tours around these areas would sound something like this.
Tour guide: We are now at Newton, the birthplace of the famous Sir Isaac Newton. It is here, where he grew up and occasionally got whacked up by the other kids for being such a nerd.
*Gasps from tourists*
Tour guide: Next stop, Orchard. The place he was when an apple fell and hit him on his head.
Does it make sense now? Im starting my tour agency tomorrow. I'll rent bikes to tourists and make them cycle with me around Singapore. Anyway, heres a story I thought about at work yesterday.
The Wolf Who Cried Boy
Far, far away, in the land of Haivenmaven there lived a whole tribe of wolves. They were all mean wolves who ate people for breakfast,lunch and dinner. They just had tea and biscuits for supper. Anyway, these wolves lived in caves in the mountains. Now my story revolves around this particular family of wolves. They consisted of Mother Wolf, Father Wolf, Mistress Wolf, Wolf Junior, Wolf Junior(II) and Accidental Wolf Junior. They were really a psychotic family. For instance, they were the only crazy wolves who had a Hi-Fi system in their cave. Which was totally a waste since they only ever played one song, which went "I'LL EAT YOU ALIVE! I'LL EAT YOU AAAALLLLIIIIIVVVEEEEEEE!". These crazy wolves used to blast this song while dancing around the helpless human being who was about to get eaten.
These wolves were really chomping down on humans. The human population around that area was rapidly decreasing. One day, news reached the wolves in mountains that a hunter was out looking for them. All the sensible wolves stayed inside their caves, and locked their imaginary doors. So that leaves us with the psychotic wolf family. They decided to eat out that night, and felt like hunter meat. So they all trotted along on their prowl for the hunter. After a few hours, they spotted him treading ever so cautiously on the broken twigs and dead leaves on the forest floor. Father wolf sprang up and howled. With a swift turn, the hunter aimed, shot and killed Father wolf in mid-air. Then mother and mistress wolf sprang up in unison, and collided in mid-air. They felt the ground for the last time, before the hunter fired two shots each at them. The kids were terrified. So they followed the breadcrumb tracks they made, back to their cave.
Life was tough for the little wolves as orphans. They were unable to get enough food since they were inexperienced in hunting. The severe lack of food caused Accidental Wolf Junior to go slightly beserk. He decided to play a prank on all the other wolves.
One fine Saturday morning, he went right across towards the boundaries of the forest and started howling "Wake up fellow Wolfeses. Theres a delicious boy behind those trees. First come first served!". The other wolves woke up and since they were still very groggy, they did not question his credibility. On thinking of the prospect of having scrambled boy for breakfast, they ran down to the base of the mountain and ran into the woods and searched for an hour for the boy while Accidental Wolf Junior went up to their houses and helped himself to their spare food and brought home supplies. The wolves were very angry when they found out he lied but took pity on him since he was retarded.
He made this a habbit. He would often go to various locations and "cry boy". Fewer and fewer wolves responded to his cries untill one day, he was left standing there yelling to himself alone. Now he couldnt go up and steal supplies anymore since the other wolves were immune to his cries.
Two days later, he was walking along the outskirts of the forest again, when he heard voices. He poked his snout through the bramble bush and sniffed. His keen nose detected dried perspiration on sweet skin, and someone's fart. He pushed his furry face through and saw a bunch of scouts picnicking in the woods. He ran off to the other side of the mountains and howled so that only the wolves could hear him. "Boys! Boys! Many boys! In the forest! Wake up and come down!". A few wolves came out and yelled and cursed at him. He decided that it just meant a lot more for him and his brothers. He crept sneakily into the forest, positioned himself and ponced high up and landed on a fat eight-year-old. He told him to go and sit in the corner and wait for him. Which is what the fat boy did. One by one he pounced on all of them and then led them back up to his cave whilst all the other wolves watched on. He killed all of those scouts, with the help of his brothers and they had a mighty fine dinner that evening. The best part is, after that day, all the other wolves always responded to his "boy cries" and ran down to where he said they were. Accidental Wolf Junior would then go up and help himself to their food. This went on for many years, since wolves are really stupid, and Accidental Wolf Junior, and his brothers lived happily ever after, growing fat on all the stolen food.
The moral of the story is, If you cant get what you want on your own merit, then cheating is a superb alternative. Cheating is a profession practiced by many but mastered by few. If you can master the art of cheating, you will never grow hungry.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
What I wrote for my O levels EL paper 1
Write a story based on the line "When I saw the pictures, I realised how similar we looked"
I vividly remember the day I first stepped foot into my home. I was only a couple of months old at that time. My "parents" were opting for adoption. They saw me at my miserable "orphanage" and immediately fell in love with me. Just a while later, I was in a small box, being carried to my new home. A semi-detached, with morning glories entwined in the fencing.
After what seemed like an eternity, they put me down and opened the box I was in and with a wave, signalled me to come out. I moved forwards cautiously, and brought my front-right paw forwards and stepped onto the floor of the living room, followed by my front-left paw and then my hind legs. I trotted towards my new parents and looked up at them. Mr and Mrs Vinod. Mr Vinod was a tall-dark man with a rather hairy face. Mrs Vinod was quite the opposite, a short-fair woman without a hairy face.Thankfully. They had an eight-year-old daughter Meera. Mr and Mrs Vinod were very nice to me. They gave me a warm welcome and took good care of me. Meera on the other hand was rather indifferent towards me. She just stared at me for a few seconds when I first arrived and then went off. She used to avoid me altogether. I was quite surprised as it was usually the children who were closer to us. I tried winning over her by following her around for a while and whining to get her attention but my attempts were futile. I might as well have asked the chair to play with me.
I spent my first few days wandering around the house, familiarising myself with the various smells of the house and when Mr and Mrs Vinod came back at around seven in the afternoon everyday, I would greet them with a few barks and jumping around them. I used to love taking the piece of cloth Mr Vinod used to wear on his feet, I later found out they were called socks, and biting them. The days were spent like that. Meera still had not shown any sign of affection for me. I decided to leave her alone and I stopped going after her.
Two weeks later, something strange happened. It was a friday night and I was under Meera's bed. I liked it there, especially at nigh when this box blew cold air out and made her whole room really cold. The marble flooring used to feel like ice against my tender paws. I imagined myself as one of those Alaskan dogs I used to watch on television. Anyway, I was enjoying the cold air under her bed and I dozed off. I don't really know how long I was sleeping for, but suddenly my ears picked up a strange sound. Still half asleep, I cocked my right ear up and after a few seconds realised that it was the sound of someone sobbing. I realised it was Meera and contemplated going back to sleep again since she wouldnt want to see me anyway but I couldnt. I couldnt break the code we dogs are sworn to. Our code binds us to our owners, to give up our lives, if necessary, to protect our owners. I stretched a little and got up and trotted out from under her bed. I looked up at Meera. She was holding a "card" and sobbing. I yelped at her, jumped up on her bed and rubbed my nose against her elbow. She started sobbing harder. I was surprised that I had an adverse effect on her. She pushed me off her bed and sobbed "Go away! I never wanted you here! Why did you have to come and live with us?"
I stared at her for a second. I felt heartbroken. I whined and whimpered and turned my head, letting it droop down in sorrow. I started trotting towards her door.
"Wait. Im sorry! Its not your fault. Please come back."
I couldnt believe my ears. I cocked them up again and turned around. She patted her mattress, signalling me to sit there. I ran and sprang up on her bed and sat down obediently. She looked at me and said "Im sorry. You see, before you came we had another dog named Spike. He was exactly like u. However, he fell seriously ill and had to be put to sleep. He was the best friend I ever had and it was very hard accepting the fact that he is gone. Then you came and you remind me so much like him. Here is his picture."
She showed the "card" to me. It was a picture of Spike. When I saw the picture, I realised how similar we looked. I understood why Meera had been so cold towards me. I looked up at Meera and whined again. She patted my head and promised to become friends with me. I was on cloud nine as I heard those words and as she patted me for the first time. Things are going to be much better from now onwards.
PS: Its not exactly the same, but it is very very close to the original one. See yall soon.
I vividly remember the day I first stepped foot into my home. I was only a couple of months old at that time. My "parents" were opting for adoption. They saw me at my miserable "orphanage" and immediately fell in love with me. Just a while later, I was in a small box, being carried to my new home. A semi-detached, with morning glories entwined in the fencing.
After what seemed like an eternity, they put me down and opened the box I was in and with a wave, signalled me to come out. I moved forwards cautiously, and brought my front-right paw forwards and stepped onto the floor of the living room, followed by my front-left paw and then my hind legs. I trotted towards my new parents and looked up at them. Mr and Mrs Vinod. Mr Vinod was a tall-dark man with a rather hairy face. Mrs Vinod was quite the opposite, a short-fair woman without a hairy face.Thankfully. They had an eight-year-old daughter Meera. Mr and Mrs Vinod were very nice to me. They gave me a warm welcome and took good care of me. Meera on the other hand was rather indifferent towards me. She just stared at me for a few seconds when I first arrived and then went off. She used to avoid me altogether. I was quite surprised as it was usually the children who were closer to us. I tried winning over her by following her around for a while and whining to get her attention but my attempts were futile. I might as well have asked the chair to play with me.
I spent my first few days wandering around the house, familiarising myself with the various smells of the house and when Mr and Mrs Vinod came back at around seven in the afternoon everyday, I would greet them with a few barks and jumping around them. I used to love taking the piece of cloth Mr Vinod used to wear on his feet, I later found out they were called socks, and biting them. The days were spent like that. Meera still had not shown any sign of affection for me. I decided to leave her alone and I stopped going after her.
Two weeks later, something strange happened. It was a friday night and I was under Meera's bed. I liked it there, especially at nigh when this box blew cold air out and made her whole room really cold. The marble flooring used to feel like ice against my tender paws. I imagined myself as one of those Alaskan dogs I used to watch on television. Anyway, I was enjoying the cold air under her bed and I dozed off. I don't really know how long I was sleeping for, but suddenly my ears picked up a strange sound. Still half asleep, I cocked my right ear up and after a few seconds realised that it was the sound of someone sobbing. I realised it was Meera and contemplated going back to sleep again since she wouldnt want to see me anyway but I couldnt. I couldnt break the code we dogs are sworn to. Our code binds us to our owners, to give up our lives, if necessary, to protect our owners. I stretched a little and got up and trotted out from under her bed. I looked up at Meera. She was holding a "card" and sobbing. I yelped at her, jumped up on her bed and rubbed my nose against her elbow. She started sobbing harder. I was surprised that I had an adverse effect on her. She pushed me off her bed and sobbed "Go away! I never wanted you here! Why did you have to come and live with us?"
I stared at her for a second. I felt heartbroken. I whined and whimpered and turned my head, letting it droop down in sorrow. I started trotting towards her door.
"Wait. Im sorry! Its not your fault. Please come back."
I couldnt believe my ears. I cocked them up again and turned around. She patted her mattress, signalling me to sit there. I ran and sprang up on her bed and sat down obediently. She looked at me and said "Im sorry. You see, before you came we had another dog named Spike. He was exactly like u. However, he fell seriously ill and had to be put to sleep. He was the best friend I ever had and it was very hard accepting the fact that he is gone. Then you came and you remind me so much like him. Here is his picture."
She showed the "card" to me. It was a picture of Spike. When I saw the picture, I realised how similar we looked. I understood why Meera had been so cold towards me. I looked up at Meera and whined again. She patted my head and promised to become friends with me. I was on cloud nine as I heard those words and as she patted me for the first time. Things are going to be much better from now onwards.
PS: Its not exactly the same, but it is very very close to the original one. See yall soon.
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