The adventures of Loser Guy

Ladies and Germs... Heres the much anticipated debut of..... *Drum Roll* Loser Guy!!!

INTRODUCTION

Loser Guy's real name is Ronald Giovani. He is 15 this year and suffers from several mental conditions that arose as a result of his parents sudden death. Hes actualy indian, but both his parents died in some sort of a attack that happened while attending a self defense class in Russia. He was then adopted by an Italian head of a mob expat living in Singapore(They are expanding).

Okay so this is how it all happened. Ronalds real parents had to move to Russia for a year on work basis. They settled down in a little house, the three of them lived merrily for a while, until his parents saw someone get mugged in the street. They became a little uptight and decided to enroll for self-defense classes. Being kenjus(stingy) indians, they enrolled for the cheapest course that was conducted at a run down gymnasium. I just realised I havent introduced his parents to you. Mr Lallumal was a really fat, pudgy man who looked very much like the cross between a giant bull-dog and a fat sloppy turd. His mom was no better. She looked like a overfed penguin which had botox injected into her left nostril. Okay back to the story. Their instructers were really frauds who just had muscular bodies. They walked in the room and introduced themselves. Their names were Skirovsky and Smirnoff.

The transcript has been translated into English for the convenience of you readers.
Excercise One...
Skirovsky: Okay Excercise one will be STRETCHING. Face in same direction and bend your partner over and lean on them from behind and PUSH them... like this

** Skirovsky bends Smirnoff over and pushes against his backside.

Smirnoff: This is called the Doggy bend. You try.

** Everyone tries doing it.

Skirovsky: Come on you moloviterns(Morons) push harder.

Exercise Two

Skirovsky: This is called the Neutralising your Opponent. You invite your opponent to punch you...
** Smirnoff attempts to punch him but Skirovsky grabs his hand

Skirovsky: You punch your opponent in the bridge of his nose,
** He punches Smirnoffs face with all his might

Skirovsky: Then you throw him on the floor and kick his nuts repeatedly
** He does just that.

Exercise Three
Smirnoff: This is called the Dealing with Purse Snatchers. Lets say you are walking...
** walks on the spot

Smirnoff: Then a guy comes up from behind and grabs ure purse
** Skirovsky comes from behind and grabs his shoulder(For demonstrations sake)

Smirnoff: You bend under your legs, grab the thiefs leg, and yank it really hard so that he falls and hits his head on the concrete floor.
** Grabs Skirovsky's leg and yanks it so that he falls with a terrific thud on the floor.

Smirnoff: You turn around and start kicking his stomach.
** Does just that repeatedly, making Skirovsky spit blood out.

Smirnoff: Now ve need the volunteer. You come here you fat ugly man. Show us what you learn.

**Mr Lallumal walks up, his knees trembling slightly. and positions himself and walks on the spot.
** Skirovsky goes up from behind and grabs his shoulder. Mr Lallumal tries reaching under his legs for Skirovsky's leg but ends up splitting his track pants and farting loudly.

Smirnoff: STOP! STAND UP you fat ugly man.

**Mr Lallumal stands straight up and grins embarrasingly.

Smirnoff: You stupid iziot! You think I funny? You think I clown?
**Smirnoff slaps Mr Lallumal repeatedly, yelling vulgarities at him.

Exercise Four
Skirovsky: Excercise three... I mean four. Stupid marijuana make me no concentrate. This called Neutralizing Fat Man.

Skirovsky: Step one, invite fat man to punch you.
**Signals to Mr lallumal to punch him.
**Mr Lallumal throws a soft punch at him, but Skirovsky catches his fist and twists really hard and delivers a really hard kick to Mr lallumals knee cap, bringing him to the floor.

Skirovsky: Now you bring fat ugly man to floor and grab his leg and do the sharpshooter to him.
** Skirovsky goes on to do that while Smirnoff pulls Mr Lallumals hair and slaps him repeatedly.

Skirovsky: Then when fat man piss all over himself, you stand up and step and kick him around.
** Skirovsky and Smirnoff start kicking him in his nuts,face and stomach.

Smirnoff: Okay fat ugly man you can go back now thank you.

** Mr Lallumal manages to get up and walks two paces then drops dead.

Smirnoff: Aiyaiyai What is zis??? HEY FAT UGLY MAN! GET UP!
** Skirovsky kicks him lightly.

Skirovsky: Step five, RUN!
** The duo run out from the gymnasium and head for the car. Mrs Lallumal runs out as well, searching for a payphone to call the ambulance but gets run over by the two while trying to make a getaway.
There you have it. The tragic introduction of LOSER GUY!


** The Russian part of this story was adapted from Whatever Things by MTV. But I changed it to fit my story.