Connecting the dots

Today has been a rather philosophical day for me. I dont know if its the after effects of monkey man, or just because I've genuinely got a lot happening up there, but yeah... I've been thinking a lot today.

I met up with Dominic after my tabla rehearsal with the ICG folks in school. The plan was to have lunch then head down to brewerkz. Dominic asked me a rather intriguing question. We were sitting down at the hawker centre, having our lunch, and random people kept coming to our table, sitting down, having a drink and leaving. I looked at those people, they were all old and they looked like the kind of simple people who were happy with, or at least accepted what life gave them. They were the kind of people who seemed happy to go down just for a cup of tea, and then pick up their heavy bags and go on with life. Dominic asked what I saw myself doing in the future. Something I have been asking myself quite often. Whenever I look at myself, I want nothing less that being successful. But then I ask myself what is my definition of success. Money? Fame? Making my parents and those around me proud? Pursuing law? Pursuing drama?

I dont know what I want out of all those. I want to conquer all of them. I want to get a law degree, I want to become a lawyer for a while and then give it up sometime later for drama. This is what I want to do now, but in life, what you want isnt what always transpires. Sometimes you just have to accept and believe that whatever unexpected twists occur in your life will somehow help form a greater you. Of course, as Steve Jobs said you can only fully appreciate these unexpected twists when you are ahead in life, looking back at it. Like for me, I didnt do very well in my PSLE and I went into the normal academic stream. Of course when you are in there, most of us accept that we will end up doing the courses, which are not too stringent when it comes to admission criterias. when I was in sec 5, I believed fervently that I would end up doing a course in IT or something related to that. That was until I met my sister's boyfriend and hung out with him a couple of times. He recommended that I check out the diploma in Law and Management. I never knew that existed. For the last 7 months of my final year in secondary school, I wanted to get into that courses really bad. I would wonder at night if I was good enough, whether they would take me, whether I was good enough to compete with the express students. I made it into the courses and I cant think of a word that expresses the feeling I had when I received the letter of acceptance. Looking back, I dont think I would have made it if I had gone into express. I guess when it comes to subjects like maths, I need more time and that extra year was exactly what I needed. Back to Dominic's question, I dont know what will happen from here, but I guess I have to trust that the dots will eventually join in the end.

This leads my to my second topic. Fate. What exactly is it? When something happens to some people, they just sigh and say it is fate. I suppose that is a good way of dealing with things because you learn to accept what has happened and accept that there are things that are beyond your powers that will happen, upsetting whatever you planned. But it is another thing to go around waiting for fate to come lift you off your feet and bring you success. I was just thinking about it on my way back in the bus, and I feel that fate, luck, god, or whatever else you would like to call it, does help you in your quest, but in order to receive that help you have to take a couple of steps forward first. I guess these external forces have a way of sniffing out the relentless tryers. I feel that if your goal was a kilometre away, in a straight line, you just have to keep taking steps towards that direction and fate,luck,god will take steps towards you to help pull you the rest of the distance when the two meet in between. So we just have to keep taking steps, and trust that one day you will get to the in between line, and hopefully luck will take you the rest of the way. Someone once asked me what is luck? He said that perhaps another word for it would be a coincidence, a coincidence is when two incidences happen at the same time. Its just two things that have a low probability of happening, happening. In the same way, it is possible to replicate that, it is possible to create your own luck. And how do you do that? By taking steps I suppose.

The third thing I want to talk about is being yourself. Very often I hear people saying, just be yourself and everything will be fine. I often ask myself who am I? I find that my personality switches when I meet different people. But why does it have to change? Very often I ask myself which self should I be? In psychology, I learned that the human mind consists of three... levels or layers, if you will. The first is the Id, which is the natural instinctive part of the brain that seeks the primary needs of humans, like food and sex. The third layer is your super-ego (will get to the second in a bit). That part strives to become the ideal person one would like to be. Like a loyal husband, with a perfect family and career. The second layer is your ego. Thats the rationalising part of the brain that balances the two. People might be more inclined towards a particular level, and therefore this defines their personality. My question is at which level should one be? We all have needs, we all have ambitions, is it wrong to pursue them? Is it right to keep rationalising? They are always drawbacks, if you are overly rationalistic, then you will be too afraid to pursue your dreams that you secretly wish for. Where should one be? The only answer I can come up with is to find the right balance for ourselves. Everything in life has to have a balance and I suppose it is up to the individual to find his balance. I also believe that success is achieving what you desire without pushing anyone else down. Im sorry if the last bit of this post is a little bit all over the place, I just am too lazy to go back and edit, and rephrase my thoughts. Goodnight

PS: Munah is hot.

The need to be free

Magus Luna 2 is tomorrow. Actually it is today, cuz its already 1.45am. I dont know why I'm up, but I just cant go to bed yet, cuz my mind is in a flurry. Theres just so much going on inside, so much has been going on for the past week. Its just overwhelming, and I need a outlet for all my thoughts, otherwise, I'm just gonna go mad.

I met up with Priya last saturday to get the cloth for Magus Luna 2, I was pretty exhausted that day, but looking back and comparing the state I am in now, I would have to say that I was still very much okay then. Once Monday came, everything has happened so fast. We didnt get much done on monday, then what was supposed to be completed on Monday dragged on to Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Being the organiser of the show, and being the first show ever that I'm in charge of, you can pretty well imagine how I was feeling. Actually come to think of it, on Wednesday I reached a stage of numbness. I guess it was the stress of the setbacks coupled with the lack of sleep that caused the numbness. I was walking about, talking, getting things done, rehearsing, but it just didnt feel like me. It was like as though I was watching myself do all this from an external point of view. Then there were drastic measures that I had to take, which resulted in conflicts, but I suppose it wasnt uncalled for. I probably would have reacted the same way. Im just glad that they were professional enough to resolve it. I dont know how I could have gone on without some of them.

Without Kay and Fadzley, the set would have looked horrendous. Without Ashwin, I dont think we could have got the technical stuff sorted out as quickly, oh and I also have to thank him for keeping my sanity at times. Without Mas, I probably could not have managed the performers as well. And without Priya, I would have just crumbled under the workload. Its supposed to be Priya and my production officially, but honestly it is their production as much as it is ours.

Now back to my state during production week. Things started to get better on thursday, I was beginning to see the beacon of light, slim and faint but visible nevertheless. Then when I got home, I had some other admin stuff to do, so I ended up sleeping at 3am again. Even then, I couldnt get a good night's rest. I had really weird dreams and nightmares of being chased down a huge shopping mall by some psychotic killers, and I was running thru the aisles, pushing a friend in a trolley. I forgot who was there in my dream. Anyway, I got awakened with a call from Cat. Haha that was pretty funny. She was like "Hello Mato. Sorry to bother you so early in the morning like that." in a very pleasant tone. Then she went on to scold me abt leaving our stuff all over the corridor. Sigh... anyway Im sorry Cat if you are reading this. So I quickly got up, brushed my teeth, bathed, put some clothes on, didn't even bother shaving or gelling my hair or wearing my contacts. I was out of the house in like 20mins. Then I had to wait for 15mins for a friggin cab. Which is surprising, considering how there is always an abundant supply of cabs around my area. I reached design space, and together with Mas, Kay and the Nadi Crew folks,cleaned up the corridor and the stage. Thanks Nadi Crew!

Then we realised that there was a little bit of paint on the floor, and if Cat found out about it, she would probably flip! So Elias and I went down to the paint shop to get turpentine. Afterwards, we went to the barber, and I shaved my head. Then we went back and worked worked and rehearsed. Things are much better now. But theres still room for improvement. I think the cast is awesome, they pick up quickly, except that they are too bloody noisy backstage, but nevermind I hope they will be on their best behaviour tomorrow, otherwise I'll kill them. I swear! I'll friggin drag them backstage, stab them in their thighs repeatedly and puncture the major artery there and watch them bleed to death, all the while screaming "You like to make noise backstage right! Nah! Make all the fuckin noise u want!"

But aiyah, I hope everything goes well tomorrow man. I have confidence in us. Just hope there are no screw ups tomorrow. Im gonna sleep now. Till I write again, Goodnight.

Dont diss Google Earth man... Im warning you!

Hello peeps. Its like 3.52am right now, and I really shuld be sleeping. But before I go, I have to upload this conversation I just had with my friend charmaine. Now for those of you who dont know who charmaine is, she is actually priya's aunt, but because of some weird happening somewhere in their family line, charmaine is younger than priya. Anyway, It started off with me looking for my house on Google Earth. After a while, I managed to find it by tracing roads I was familiar with. Being me, I was beyond glee when I finally found my house, so I decided to share the good news with Charmaine, and tried explaining what Google Earth was all about. She found it interesting and said that she would download it tomorrow. Being the jackass that I always am, I decided to kick up a whole load of fuss, and... well... read for yourself.


Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
woohoo i found my house

MAINE says:
huh??

MAINE says:
what house? arent you at home?

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
nono

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i mean yes i am. I meant on google earth

MAINE says:
oh coool whats that?

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
go download

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
lets u navigate the world, then u can zoom in to countries and see satellite images of the entire place. Can zoom in all the way till u find ure house

MAINE says:
oh wow. thats coooool.

MAINE says:
i'll do that tmr.. im too tired now. hehh

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i dint ask u to do it wad

MAINE says:
you asked me to go downloadddd

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
nah i meant go download if u wanna know, cuz i lazy to explain

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
but i was like ahh fuck it just tell the poor girl

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
then now ure like sayin oh ill do it tomz

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
like google earth is not good enough fer u

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
like as if its not worth ure attention

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
like as if ure queen high and almighty

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
and u dont need google earth

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
like its of no importance to u at all

MAINE says:
HEYHEY! dont get me wrong lahhh

MAINE says:
it is cooool

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
yeah and now ure just being patronising

MAINE says:
NOO!

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
like when one of ure servants comes up to u and shows u something

MAINE says:
i nvr meant it that way!

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
and u like stop looking at ure pearl necklace and just glance at it and say "ya ya its nice... now go away"

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
like u dont appreciate what google earth can do for u

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i mean its just that

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i went thru so much explaining what it is

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
then ure like aiyah its not worth my time

MAINE says:
huhhhh

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i felt very insulted

MAINE says:
ehhh dont be angry!

MAINE says:
i din insult you!

MAINE says:
matoooooo.

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
nvm its ok

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
sigh

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i mean i hope u understand

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
that i really truly tried explaining what google earth does

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
maybe it wasnt a good enough explanation for u

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i dont know

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
but i just thought it would be nice to share it with u... but i guess u dont appreciate it

MAINE says:
mato!! i appreciated it!

MAINE says:
why you so drama

MAINE says:
i didnt insult you!

MAINE says:
i swear

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
Eh charmaine!

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
this is too hilarious

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
im uploading this conversation on my blog

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
i was kidding lah!

MAINE says:
EHHHHHH!

MAINE says:
BASKETT!

MAINE says:
NO YOUR SO NOT DOING THAT!

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
haha yes i am

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
damn cute

MAINE says:
NOPE! YOUR NOT!!!

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
relax its funny

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
haha

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
its damn funny lah... how u thought i was serious

Dr Cow & the Perennially Perplexing Purple Potato says:
CHARMAINE! did u really think id be upset with u over a computer program?

MAINE says:
you blooody hell sounded damn serious lah!

MAINE says:
EH LACK OF SLEEP HEREEEE! so not really thinking properly!!

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Thats the end of the conversation. Err... goodnight.